Unhealthy Relationship Connections
Unhealthy Connections – Why do we get them?
There are so many women that I run into that are in unhealthy relationships, abusive and destructive relationships, and they keep getting back into them, why? The desire we have for connection is innate and essential; therefore when you find any connection, you thrive in it, so you think. If it’s a healthy connection, you will prosper. Below I have listed what connection is really about.
A real connection is about:
- Listening to understand.
- Love for who you are.
- Ask questions with genuine interest.
- Encouraging and supporting one another.
- Appropriate physical touch.
- Look at each other while communicating.
- Restate questions/comments to clarify.
The problem comes when you think you are thriving, but you are not. How do you know if you’re thriving then? Here’s the definition I will use.
To grow vigorously, to flourish.
Look at the relationships you are in, are you growing at all? Are you flourishing? Is your self-esteem increasing or decreasing? Do you feel like you are where you want to be? Are you reaching goals and finding purpose in life? A healthy connection will encourage you and support you in your journey, not be disparaging.
Connection Comes in Many Forms.
Physical Connection – You are probably the most familiar with a physical connection. The physical connection is an appropriate touch. Let me clarify appropriate touch which is being touched the way you want to be touched:
- Holding hands
- Kissing (not passionately, just gentle and frequent)
- Rubbing your neck, shoulders back, etc.
The aforementioned are examples of appropriate touch. Again, it’s being touched how you want to be touched.
Emotional Connection – One that is often overlooked but is extremely important, especially to women is an emotional connection. Emotional connection is about caring and supporting. When you’re crying is he holding you and pulling you close? Does he run away? Is he belittling you and sending jabbing remarks?
Mental Connection – Intellectually are you compatible? Do you have similar goals or aspirations? Can you talk without one of you feeling less than the other person?
Social connection – Social connection is one of the easiest to fulfill by getting out among others. If you desire social connection, then you want to get out and be around other people regularly.
Spiritual connection – Spiritual connection can be a doozy for some people because they are looking for something but don’t know what to look for. This kind of connection has been described as, “I feel like something’s missing.” A spiritual connection can come in many forms, connection with the earth, God, etc.
The final connection, although physical, I’m breaking it out because I’ve seen a lot of marriages suffer because of it and that’s an intimate connection.
Intimate Connection – It is healthy and natural to want to be intimate with someone. It’s built into our very DNA and is a part of survival. If we did not procreate, then we would die out and would cease to exist. Therefore intimacy is critical and is part of our survival. Since intimacy is part of our survival, it is healthy and natural to want to be intimate and to look for this connection.
It’s so important to identify what you want and are looking for in each of these connections. Once you know what you want, then you can open up communication with your spouse, friends, and family to fill these connections.
Here’s the challenge
For the sake of sharing an example, let’s say you’re single. As a single person, you’re missing several of the connection points and will naturally start to seek them out. You go looking and it seems like every guy you find is not interested, so you keep looking. After several months, maybe years this guy shows up and starts showing some interest (social connection). He buys you flowers (emotional connection) and even likes some of the same things you like (mental connection).
You fall head over heels and start to date this guy. At first, everything is perfect, so you think, he’s bringing gifts, showing the physical connection by hugging you. Then you notice one day he loses his temper and yells at a family member, because of your fear of losing any of the connections you have, you justify it and say, “Oh he’s just really stressed. The person he yelled at deserves it. He would never do that to me.”
Be Mindful of Justification
It’s so important that when you start using justification in life, you recognize it and ask, “Why am I justifying this?”
Continuing with the story, soon you notice he’s lost his temper with you. He has yelled at you. He’s maybe even been a little violent by throwing something, punching a wall, breaking a dish or some violent behavior. Again you justify it, but this time, you start blaming yourself saying things like, “I deserved that. If I hadn’t done this, he wouldn’t have gotten mad, so I need to make sure I don’t do that again.” You may even find him saying things like, “If you didn’t make me so mad, I wouldn’t have to do this or have done that.”
Notice the justification you’re doing, and he’s doing.
Here’s the essential thing to realize, It’s NOT Okay!
As soon as you start to justify negative behaviors, he will continue to do them, and now you’re assuming all relationships are like this. You start believing that everyone is putting on a happy face because that’s what you do. The thought that someone could genuinely be happy seems like a fallacy and impossible. Therefore, everyone is lying.
Your desire for connection is so strong that you start looking past any warning signs. You fear to be alone more than you do abuse.
It doesn’t have to be this way. You are a strong, powerful, beautiful and amazing woman that can accomplish anything she sets her mind too. The talents and skills you have been blessed with run deep. It’s critically important to learn to love yourself for who you are with all of your imperfections because we all have them. It’s your imperfections that make you so phenomenal.
If you’re in an abusive relationship, you don’t have to stay there. You’re enough just as you are. There are other men out there that will love, support and care for you the way you want to be but it starts with you; learn to love YOU!
Once you can embrace your power and start designing your life, tremendous opportunities will open up.
You’re amazing, believe it!